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The Declaration of Chrisso
I’m not gonna lie, despite the fact that this site is my homepage, I really hate this place. There is nothing offered here anymore except disappointment. I’m not trying to be edgy or clever or witty at all, I’m just being honest. I like to believe that the opinion of a user of my stature on this site holds at least some weight in the decision making process that constantly keeps the Elite Forum occupied. However, things have simply become too much for me. Not just too much, but too shitty. 

I tried helping out here and there when I could by making extremely edgy threads about my sisters period blood and my unrivaled dedication to these forums as seen by my record-setting post count. I tried, but failed, to at least bring some awesomeness here. Actually, I didn’t fail. You failed. Nobody here is funny like me anymore. Gone are the days when I could post a new thread and somebody funny (me) would respond with a really edgy comment. Gone are the days when I would look forward to repeatedly refreshing these forums, anxiously awaiting the following responses after posting an edgy comment in a mildly interesting thread. Gone are the days when one of my simple yet edgy jokes was tolerated in the Elite Forum. 

Everything is all business to the powers that be now. I’m talking, of course, about the five main people that are responsible for this site: Matt, Rob, Dave, Kris, and Kwanzaa. My thanks goes out to these people for making the Elite Forum ridiculously stupid. I check it maybe once a month now even though it’s only a click away. All of the threads are pretty much polls for the Elites to maybe weigh in on a suggestion for a minor change to the site. But, of course, like any dictatorship, any rationale pointed out by anybody but the higher ups is taken with only a grain of salt. Hell, right now it seems like any rationale at all is only taken with a grain of salt. The worst part, though, is that it doesn’t even have to come down to just smarts or logic, even a post meant in good fun has become a reliable shortcut to being reprimanded during “rare instances of seriousness” among these webcomic forums. Oh yeah, and by “rare”, they mean “constant.”

I first got interested in this site when the remake of Joe Zombie 1 was released on SFDT. I think that was during October of 2001. I’ve been with the site for nearly eight years, so I think it’s fair to say that I’ve seen a lot of changes over the years. I remember StickSuicide before The System, I remember the Asylum, I remember Gangs, I remember that dreaded day when Praven was banned for making fun of Robs dead friend, I remember when Carl, I remember when StickSuicide shamed its name by allowing Stu and that other no name prickwad onto the staff out of nowhere, I remember when StickSuicide transformed into Explosm, I remember when Serion was laughed out of the forums, I remember when Skreb became an admin, I remember when Spastic hacked my Facebook and posted my naked pictures everywhere, but most of all, I remember how I wasn’t disgracing my family honor by visiting this site regularly. Nowadays, I feel the same way coming here as I do when I walk into Wal-Mart, pathetic and sticky. 

The General Forum has always been my personal forum of choice. Sure, every once in a while it would go through a “humor recession”, if you will, until the quality of comedy was eventually bolstered by my inevitable return. So, I’m sure that you’ve all noticed that lately I’ve been absent and thus, the General Forum has returned to its naturally unfunny state. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint my fans, but this time, it’s seriously bad. I honestly don’t think my extremely edgy posts can save this place. I looked at the first five threads and started crying because I knew this was a battle that would actually pose a threat to me, to you, to the forums, to society. 

On top of that, I took a gander at today’s comic and only became even more pissed off because it just plain sucked. Needless to say, I cursed the creator of that particular comic (Dave) and tabbed back into World of Warcraft. I say “needless to say” because, in case you haven’t noticed, the horrible quality of the webcomics has become consistent as of late. Not a day has gone by in the last month where I cracked even a partial smile while on this site. But then again, I also realize that this is probably a reflection of the fact that I’ve been relatively inactive during the same time period. Now, I don’t plan on naming any names, but I will say with complete confidence that because of this peculiar “coincidence”, I am absolutely sure that a certain few people of importance on this site pretty much rely on me for anything related to amazingly clever and edgy comedy. I will also say that I should be getting paid for being on the site, but that’ll never happen because the administrators are ungrateful, arrogant assholes.

Believe it or not, the people running this site really aren’t all that great. I met all of them at Comic-Con 2005. We hung out at the booth, went out for dinner, and we ended up crashing at the hotel before we parted ways that morning. My having met them in person coupled with the undisputed shittiness of the humor on this site in general leads me to say with complete honesty, almost to the point that it’s fact, that these people are not funny. I was so bored that it actually got to the point where I was asking myself why I was even there. I could have been at home saving Azeroth, but no, I put on a true display of loyalty and stuck with the lameasses that run this shithole instead. Why, you might ask? Back then, I probably thought it would get me closer to the staff. Now…I don’t know. I feel retarded for even putting a shred of faith in these people. They were so boring and dull that I should have known to get out as soon as possible. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, I didn’t. Even though I thought I had suffered the worst that Explosm had to offer by hanging out with those fucks, I stuck it through anyways and decided to stay. After all, my fans needed me. 

I suppose you’re probably wondering exactly what I mean every time I’ve stated that the Explosm staff is either boring, dull, arrogant, dimwitted, retarded, ungrateful, or unfunny. Well, maybe you’ll understand if I give you a rundown of how exactly that day at Comic-Con 2004 went.

I recall walking up to the booth and buying one of the shirts. I wasn’t planning on just walking away since I drove six hours straight to get there to meet these guys, so I went one by one to each of them to sign it. Of course, I would take a picture of the shirt for you for proof, but I’ve since set fire to it. Apologies. Anyways, I struck up some conversation with the tall gangly asshole that goes by the name of Matt, which was actually kind of awkward for me considering I knew each of them and had talked to all of them online several times, but none of them knew who I was yet. Matt and I talked for about a minute about his trip with Rob that I remembered where they were gloating over some tampons that they were out shopping for. At the time, I thought it kind of made me mad that about 8 other nerdy fans were in line waiting to chat it up with these people, but now that I think about it, maybe they were just trying to save me instead. Regardless, because I’m such a great guy, I moved on and continued the conversation with Rob, who was sitting right next to Matt and had paid attention to our conversation. Anyways, I kind of flowed pretty smoothly from Matt to Rob to Kris to Dave, thanks to the smelly pigshits behind me grunting and coughing up the previous nights Cheetos all over the place. By then I had completely forgotten about it, but Dave finally asked me who the hell I was with his jippery terrorist accent. So I introduced myself and they were all incredibly excited to see me, now knowing whom they were in the presence of, I presume. They let me hang out along the side of the booth with them until things died down as the time to leave drew nearer. I regret staying there, though, because the only times they turned to talk to me were when they weren’t talking to anybody else, which, in my opinion, is bullshit. 

Eventually, it was our time to leave, so we headed out to grab some dinner from a place that they ate at the night before called Tiki Koko’s Fish Filets. While I will admit that the food was good, the dinner was boring. All they did was talk to me and ask me a variety of lame questions like what brand of electric shaver I preferred and if I liked girls yet. I actually asked if these were seriously the kind of things they wanted to discuss when they asked if I was tall enough to see over the dashboard while I drove there. About an hour later, we were all pretty much stuffed with food so we decided to make our way back to the hotel. At this point, these guys were getting extremely boring and I considered heading back home to go run some flags in Warsong Gulch, but I decided to buck up and hang out with them anyways. I figured since I drove for six hours to meet them at Comic-Con 2007, I might as well stay for longer than four hours before I make the six-hour drive back. 

So, at the behest of Matt, Dave ended up driving us to the hotel as some sort of immature joke poking fun at his inability to consistently drive on the right side of the road. I thought it was quite childish as I personally feel as though my edgy style of humor and delicate execution puts me above such a miserable approach to comedy. However, despite my clear superiority and wealth of knowledge regarding the art of summoning laughter, they all seemed to ignore my demands that they cease such tomfoolery immediately. The entirety of the ride was naught but humiliating. It was at that very moment, though, that the harsh truth suddenly struck me harder than I had ever been struck before: I had dishonored my family name by merely being in the presence of such pathetic simpletons. To my dismay, the hotel was about two miles from my car, which meant that upon arrival, I was officially considered “in the belly of the beast” as it was starting to get a little late to walk back to my wheels.

Anyways, when we got out of the car at around 10:30, we headed straight through the hotel to the room and hung out for a few hours. Right off the bat, I noticed that the place was ripe with video games and inferiority. Kris headed over to the fridge and asked if I wanted anything to drink, which was great until I realized all they had was milk. I had never been so pissed off in my life, but being the great guy that I am, I stuck to my manners and politely declined (I said I wasn’t gay). They decided to hook up Matts Xbox 360, which I was thankful for because it was a step forward in making the night seem at least a little less boring, but they couldn’t find Halo 2. As everybody was looking around for it, Rob, bearing the douchiest smirk I’ve seen in my life, suggested that I might have stolen it. I didn’t understand why he chose me as the target of his accusations because I knew for a fact that I hadn’t stolen it! Thankfully, though, the rest of them laughed at this absurd accusation and continued looking around. Finally, Matt found Halo 2 on top of the television and they set it all up, allowing me to kick their asses all over the place for a couple of hours until the pansy that is Dave said he had to go to bed early because of his flight the next morning. Considering the fact that they had only booked the one room, which only had two beds in it, this meant that we all had to calm down. In other words, Dave is a party pooping prick who was probably proud of pooping on our party. So, since my house was a 30-minute walk to the car and a six-hour drive away, and all they had was milk in the refrigerator, I figured I’d better follow suit since there were no energy drinks to keep me awake for a drive after what could have been a sweet all-nighter. By that, I mean an all-nighter in which I’m present. Actually, now that I think about it, even that would have sucked because, judging by the milk and the two beds, I can safely say that they are faggots. Regardless, everybody went to sleep soon thereafter because, since I was no longer up for hanging out, there was no reason to stay awake. That’s right, I preferred to sleep rather than chill with the Explosm staff because I correctly assumed that it would be more fun.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than them and headed out the door. Before I left the hotel, I stopped to ask the lady at the desk which way I had to go to get to my car. Without hesitation, she told me the exact directions to the parking ramp that my ride was located at, which I actually found pretty impressive yet creepy at the same time. She was Mexican. Eventually, I got to my car and made the six-hour drive home without a hitch. Now, about the trip out to Comic-Con 2006: Sure the novelty of meeting the people who run your homepage is cool for about two minutes, but avoid anything beyond that because you’re only in for some serious disappointment. I’ve since realized that in terms of comparison, I was exactly as psyched to initially meet them as I was to leave the next morning. They were that boring.

So, please understand that I’m not just making up a bunch of unfounded claims when I insult the staff here at Explosm. After meeting them and getting a taste for what it’s like to actually be in the same room or eat at the same table as the people whose forums you had been visiting regularly since childhood, I think it’s safe to say the facts speak for themselves. I felt jipped, through and through, and I still regret going. As a matter of fact, I will go so far as to say it was the worst decision of my life to attend Comic-Con 2003 to meet those people. If any of them feel as though I’ve slandered their name, or lied in any way…well, they’re staff members here, they can do whatever they want with this thread. But I digress, the point of telling you my recollection of the events that took place that night was to emphasize how incredibly bland these people truly are. The comics make them seem funny and exciting to be around, but speaking from experience, it’s only a lousy gimmick. 

I simply can’t get over how pathetic this site has become. I agree with every veteran member who hails from StickSuicide, these forums suck in comparison. They are no longer funny. The staff, of course, is partly to blame for being so fucking dull, but the users are the other reason. Sorry, people, but you suck. Actually, I’m not sorry. You really do suck and I’m the one breaking the truth to you. It’s not my fault you suck, it’s just pathetic how much you do suck. I literally pity this community of over 9000 because this place reeks of so much epic fail. The worst part is that it’s not a mess that even somebody like me could possibly clean up. This can of worms has been open for far too long. Don’t worry just yet, though, because I’m going to tell you how to fix this dilemma. 

Here is the problem; the General Forum is too damn serious! News stories are stupid, religion threads have got to go, and the people jealous of my hilariously edgy jokes also happen to be the least funny ones here. Every time I log onto these forums, I take a gander at the threads in the General Forum, break down into tears, and close the window. Then I open a new window, check my email, sip my Mountain Dew, and then I close the window. Afterwards, I turn off my computer. Usually after the computer is powered down, I’ll pack it up into my bag and take it to class where I will find a seat, unpack my computer, and set it back up again. Sometimes I forget to turn down the volume so every once in a while at the opening screen, the Windows musical greeting will play at nearly full volume. Usually everybody glares at me not because my computer just made noise, but because it’s not a Mac. It’s pretty embarrassing, but I guess it’s not too bad considering I spent $500 on my computer and they spent over $2000 yet I’m still getting equal grades.

Here is the solution: shut up! Yeah, that’s right. Shut the hell up! Stop posting! Just let me post. That statement is directed at the Elites as well. Yes, to answer your question, I did just make a loophole in the system for myself and I did just bypass the administrators’ “honorable” privilege to order Elites around and I did just cut straight past the middleman by posting this in the one forum that I know contains, at least by its glorious history, a small shred of hope. Yes, I do have hope that this barren wasteland known as the General Forum will once again bear all the colors of the rainbow. If you, the people, yet the plague, of this forum, are willing to just let go of the wheel and allow me to take control for a while, then maybe, just maybe, this site will begin to flourish and triumph over all else that stands in its way as it once did with the might of an iron fist. 

Of course, this must be a group effort. If one of you posts, all of you will post. In other words, if one of you fails, all of you will fail. Do not post. I am saying, right here and right now, that this is the staffs worst nightmare. If all the members who make up their community support go absent while somebody with a brain and really edgy jokes (me) is given complete control of the direction the community takes, it is only logical that significant improvements will be made. Negotiations will be fair and ideals will remain intact. This is a webcomic forum, after all, so the demand for users with at least a mild grasp on what the concept of laughter is shouldn’t be too much to ask for. However, if this idea fails, and if the well runs dry, I call for complete abandonment of these forums. This is an all or nothing situation. Extremities must be preserved in order for the ends to justify the means. Without you, there is nothing. With you, there is something. With you all replaced, there is something better.

As much as I would like to say that this community is an eighth of what it used to be, I couldn’t because that would be lying. I don’t lie. It’s less than an eighth. It’s nothing compared to what it used to be. I hate this site in every way. I hate Matt because he’s a tall gangly prick. I hate Dave because he’s a terrorist. I hate Rob because he is. I hate Kris because he offered me milk. And I hate Kwanzaa. But don’t let that hatred manifest itself in your inevitable failure of these new goals that I’ve put in place. Instead, let that hatred fuel the fire. Let that hatred give this task meaning and weight in the future direction of the Explosm community. Let that hatred make change, and let that change be here. While there is certainly a simmer of hope that I can see for this miserable site and it’s community, the effort alone will not change my opinion of things, but rather, the accomplishment. If these goals are not met, my opinion will remain.

All in all, to conclusively summate, the product of the juxtaposed resultants in which the full matter of relevance, in its entirety, is cohesively bonded into a categorically defined composite of dubious irrefutability in the matter of closely conjoined topical elements in a fused representation of the appropriate absolution by which all noncorresponding radicals are nullified due to the transparent paradigm expressed indivisibly in a whole of multiple factors presently presiding over distinctly divided schisms indicative of an inexorable compilation concurrently stipulated as a palpable forthright sequitur in which all suppositions are tangibly irrefrangible and incontrovertible discernments are indubitable of a cogentive hypothesis—henceforth bereaved of its status as a wholly unmitigated conceptualization—further metamorphosed into an impregnable conglomerate conducive of preconceived cognitions in which the analogue is more representative of the controversial psyche of the bildungsroman than the Juvenalian satire of its implacable namesake, oftener affecting an ideology of reverse bathostic directionality in which the tonality is raised from the region betwixt the nonreal concept and the conceivable hypothesis to a nonpaedomorphic conjecture of distinct iconography further affecting the deposition of the sublime duality of the multiplicity of the elements in question, each domineering a serial platform parallel to the longitudinal vectors, or arrows, promulgating a colloquial preposition highly suggestive of the incomparable factors, still as of yet undefined, inasmuch as the epiphenomenalism remains lucid, I am officially declaring that, until things improve, I am changing my homepage from explosm.net to about:blank.
did ctrl f for ark or averageroadkill and found nothing so 0/10
[-] The following 2 users Like FUCK's post:
  • Delirious Biznasty Good Egg, K-Man Moderator
was that you? i actually dont know
oh how am i not in this fuck you
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idk if anyone is but i also searched my name and im with ark
[Image: NSiuXpT.jpg]

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