http://thespiritscience.net/2016/09/02/y...000-years/
Everything that you think you know about your dumb ass is wrong. Welcome to the new You. You can thank me later.
My new life as an aquarius is a pleasant one. You see I was following the Pisces instructions from elle.com, namely:
"Future-tripping alert! As the zodiac’s dreamer, you can’t help but fantasize—especially when it comes to relationships."
So I have masturbated to the thought of future happiness. I've been at it all fucking week, you know. Thinking that Mars was in my goal zone, I've been struggling to understand this pressure I feel, trying to understand if it was a connection that I needed to follow through. And fuck me, I was about to dive head-first into a fucking disastrous deal, considering that:
"With collaborative Uranus in your money zone trading friendly fire with go-getter Mars on Saturday, don’t be surprised if brunch talks turn into a de facto business meeting or you suddenly spy an influencer at the bar while you’re out having drinks."
BUT as it turns out, I've been doing it all backwards. Look at aquarius:
"Faithful or furtive? Your private needs could clash with your real world commitments this week, leaving you torn. With the live-out-loud Sun in Virgo and your eighth house of secrets until September 22, can’t you already see a conflict brewing? On Tuesday, lusty, experimental Mars dangles even more temptation in your face. Do you dare, Aquarius? And is this Eden’s apple even worth exploring? Hmmm. Whether or not you could get away with it isn’t exactly the question here. But you should know that neither the Sun nor Mars are known for their discretion. (Read: A trail of evidence could be left behind in your hasty wake.)"
I need to stop masturbating ASAP. Fuck. But good news:
"Don’t be surprised if an enticing job offer or dream project lands in your lap. With eclipses, everything just happens so fast though—and you may feel so overwhelmed by these propositions that you’re tempted to turn them down. Stable Saturn in your teamwork zone sends la luna a challenge: Maybe you COULD pull this off if you turned it into a collaborative effort."
So can the deal, work for the guy! Gotcha. Fuck, it all evens out in the end. And finally:
"This weekend, the truth shall set you free! Your ruling planet, liberated Uranus, will court both Mars and Venus, making it impossible for you to hide your honest sentiment."
How very nice that I was planning on getting shitfaced tomorrow. Well, that's me beingg an aquarius! Always up there, amirite. Kinda sad that I didnt land with the new sign, though. Something about a bearded guy holding a massive snake in his hands, I really identify with that. Anyway, here's my new profile for you people to get to know the REAL me better:
--
Fly that freak flag high, Aquarius. You may look like an all-American girl on the surface (or not), but behind that distressed-denim jacket beats the heart of a true bohemian. You have the unique ability to combine logic and creativity into pure genius. Few people understand your vision when you simply talk about it. Get into action. Once a tangible product has been brought forth, you catapult to the heights of popularity and respect, like barrier-smashing talk-show queens Oprah Winfrey and Ellen DeGeneres. You have an innate concern for human rights—especially when it comes to fighting for the underdog. Find an appropriate outlet for your inner revolutionary, the more public the better. As an air sign, you're a gifted communicator who is capable of reaching the masses with your message. Like Aquarius author Alice Walker and comedian Chris Rock, your world vision can be funneled through moving works of fiction or politically charged comedy. Few people can match you when it comes to humor, which also makes you popular with a broad spectrum of people. As the sign that rules groups, you thrive in a collaborative environment, managing your teammates with the motivation of a cheerleading captain.
Romantically, you could use a little more oomph. Since you generally eschew all things sappy, you may deprive yourself of the lovey-dovey emotions that go along with relationships. A partner who is in tune with the emotional realm would be ideal for you, even if he feels a bit like an alien from time to time. Work on cultivating a clear connection to your own wild streak. Otherwise your connections could fall flat; or your feelings may explode in sudden bursts of anger. You're more comfortable raging than you are crying—you'll need a release for those pent-up emotional lightning strikes. Your sign rules the calves and ankles, so activities like running and biking could become marathon-level obsessions for you. Team sports are also a happy fit for your sign's needs. Scout out the local kickball league or roller derby club and pile on the bonus cool points—not like you really need them.
Ruler: Uranus, the planet of innovation, revolution, and surprises
Your gifts: ingenuity, open-mindedness, a desire to fight for the underdog
Your issues: people pleasing, coldness, flashes of unexpected rage
Your saving grace: an endless roster of friends owing you favors
Your path: to create a society based on true equality and democracy
Your fashion inspiration: Anna Sui, Céline
Love 'em: Gemini, Libra
Notsomuch: Virgo, Cancer
Celebrity starmates: Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey
Everything that you think you know about your dumb ass is wrong. Welcome to the new You. You can thank me later.
My new life as an aquarius is a pleasant one. You see I was following the Pisces instructions from elle.com, namely:
"Future-tripping alert! As the zodiac’s dreamer, you can’t help but fantasize—especially when it comes to relationships."
So I have masturbated to the thought of future happiness. I've been at it all fucking week, you know. Thinking that Mars was in my goal zone, I've been struggling to understand this pressure I feel, trying to understand if it was a connection that I needed to follow through. And fuck me, I was about to dive head-first into a fucking disastrous deal, considering that:
"With collaborative Uranus in your money zone trading friendly fire with go-getter Mars on Saturday, don’t be surprised if brunch talks turn into a de facto business meeting or you suddenly spy an influencer at the bar while you’re out having drinks."
BUT as it turns out, I've been doing it all backwards. Look at aquarius:
"Faithful or furtive? Your private needs could clash with your real world commitments this week, leaving you torn. With the live-out-loud Sun in Virgo and your eighth house of secrets until September 22, can’t you already see a conflict brewing? On Tuesday, lusty, experimental Mars dangles even more temptation in your face. Do you dare, Aquarius? And is this Eden’s apple even worth exploring? Hmmm. Whether or not you could get away with it isn’t exactly the question here. But you should know that neither the Sun nor Mars are known for their discretion. (Read: A trail of evidence could be left behind in your hasty wake.)"
I need to stop masturbating ASAP. Fuck. But good news:
"Don’t be surprised if an enticing job offer or dream project lands in your lap. With eclipses, everything just happens so fast though—and you may feel so overwhelmed by these propositions that you’re tempted to turn them down. Stable Saturn in your teamwork zone sends la luna a challenge: Maybe you COULD pull this off if you turned it into a collaborative effort."
So can the deal, work for the guy! Gotcha. Fuck, it all evens out in the end. And finally:
"This weekend, the truth shall set you free! Your ruling planet, liberated Uranus, will court both Mars and Venus, making it impossible for you to hide your honest sentiment."
How very nice that I was planning on getting shitfaced tomorrow. Well, that's me beingg an aquarius! Always up there, amirite. Kinda sad that I didnt land with the new sign, though. Something about a bearded guy holding a massive snake in his hands, I really identify with that. Anyway, here's my new profile for you people to get to know the REAL me better:
--
Fly that freak flag high, Aquarius. You may look like an all-American girl on the surface (or not), but behind that distressed-denim jacket beats the heart of a true bohemian. You have the unique ability to combine logic and creativity into pure genius. Few people understand your vision when you simply talk about it. Get into action. Once a tangible product has been brought forth, you catapult to the heights of popularity and respect, like barrier-smashing talk-show queens Oprah Winfrey and Ellen DeGeneres. You have an innate concern for human rights—especially when it comes to fighting for the underdog. Find an appropriate outlet for your inner revolutionary, the more public the better. As an air sign, you're a gifted communicator who is capable of reaching the masses with your message. Like Aquarius author Alice Walker and comedian Chris Rock, your world vision can be funneled through moving works of fiction or politically charged comedy. Few people can match you when it comes to humor, which also makes you popular with a broad spectrum of people. As the sign that rules groups, you thrive in a collaborative environment, managing your teammates with the motivation of a cheerleading captain.
Romantically, you could use a little more oomph. Since you generally eschew all things sappy, you may deprive yourself of the lovey-dovey emotions that go along with relationships. A partner who is in tune with the emotional realm would be ideal for you, even if he feels a bit like an alien from time to time. Work on cultivating a clear connection to your own wild streak. Otherwise your connections could fall flat; or your feelings may explode in sudden bursts of anger. You're more comfortable raging than you are crying—you'll need a release for those pent-up emotional lightning strikes. Your sign rules the calves and ankles, so activities like running and biking could become marathon-level obsessions for you. Team sports are also a happy fit for your sign's needs. Scout out the local kickball league or roller derby club and pile on the bonus cool points—not like you really need them.
Ruler: Uranus, the planet of innovation, revolution, and surprises
Your gifts: ingenuity, open-mindedness, a desire to fight for the underdog
Your issues: people pleasing, coldness, flashes of unexpected rage
Your saving grace: an endless roster of friends owing you favors
Your path: to create a society based on true equality and democracy
Your fashion inspiration: Anna Sui, Céline
Love 'em: Gemini, Libra
Notsomuch: Virgo, Cancer
Celebrity starmates: Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey